Our adult lives begin with a moment of stillness. When you’re not on a forced schedule. When someone is not telling you what to do and when to do it. Then you realize, it’s all up to you. It’s sweet and exciting until it gets hard and then in the back of our heads, we hear our parents’ voices telling us that ‘life is not meant to be easy’.

So we live the best way we know how.  We make mistakes and hopefully we learn from them. We get busy making a life for ourselves. It’s sometimes fun, sometimes hard and sometimes the joy drains out of us and sometimes we live a life that’s just content. I don’t want content.

Do you feel alive? Or are you just going through the motions of someone living?

Are you happy or sad? Satisfied or empty? Full of purpose or out there searching for meaning? Or do you feel stuck and unsure of what your life needs? Maybe something is missing? Does your life have meaning and purpose?

Meaning and purpose are what make a life. Without these things, we have no story. Without a story, we do not exist.

Everyone has a story and everyone’s story matters, right? Although Sometimes I feel like if I just sat on the couch binge watching Netflix, who would care? But if I did that, then nothing would get done and at the end the day I would feel like I wasted it and my to-do list would still be waiting for me. Things piled up is a worse feeling for me because I get overwhelmed and more all I want to do is hide under the covers or binge watch Netflix.

So a day (or days) spent binge watching can leave you empty.

In order to come alive, you need to serve something greater than yourself. You need to find that thing that makes your heart beat a little bit faster. What greater purpose are you serving? And are you really serving it? It’s important to be a part of a larger journey.

A life that matters, is a life that has MEANING.

Do something that you are passionate about every day. Every moment you stay longer in a place you shouldn’t be, you start to become extraordinarily ordinary. Because it keeps you from falling into your own truth.

Stand in your truth!

So how do you know you’re heading towards your own truth? Where do you belong? Well, I think your gut tells you. An evolution that lives inside all of us that leads us to where we belong. All those little inklings, those feelings that steer you around in life. God sends messages…your life is always speaking to you. The busy and chaos of today are so loud, distracting and noisy we often don’t hear or feel those messages. It’s only when we allow ourselves to sit still, then we might be able to feel it. God talks to us in the still and these still small voices come from within.

What is your life’s calling? What were you put on this earth to do? We all have one, something that only you can do. Something you came here to fulfill. Your treasure of true self that you already possess.

“Let your life speak”

Your life calling is your foundation.  It’s solid and keeps you grounded especially whenever your house starts to fall apart. You know when you feel not right and off balance. Your foundation is that thing that keeps you going and makes you feel you want to keep working at it no matter whats going on around you…that is your calling.

Be impactful. Where do you have the most impact?

What is your real work and who or what will you fight for? Doing something every day that you do not believe in gives you a scar across your collective soul. Don’t waste your life doing meaningless projects. Don’t talk about “one day” just get started. Do what you know you need to do. Do what you’ve been thinking about. Make that choice.

Be careful of the imposter syndrome…telling yourself “I’m not worthy of this” or “they are going to figure out I’m a fake”. You are in that room because you belong there. Don’t feed yourself cruel words that can barricade or put roadblocks up in your path. I usually know that I’m heading in the right direction when initially its hard or seems crazy or I’m constantly trying to talk myself out of it. But once I start on that path I quickly start to feel right inside and know I’m doing the right thing. Mistakes are all part of life. Even our worst decisions don’t separate us from humanity.

Don’t let people that don’t matter too much, matter too much. 

Your crown has been paid for and all you have to do is put it on your head. Understand the power from which you come from.

Figure out what inspires you and do that.

Start today.

My smile space has always been books.

Books. Books. Books.

I’m obsessed with books, always have been but not for the reason you would think. Growing up in America people were constantly handing out these little colorful New Testaments. I regularly took one and my mom always said: “That’s not our bible.” And I always wondered what she meant by that. Later I learned that it was Gideon’s bible not the King James version. I took them not because I wanted to read it but because I wanted to touch the binding, see how well it was made, to look at it and hold it.

It looked exactly like a big book but smaller. The perfect size for a small girl obsessed with small things too. These books were the perfect package.

I would carry that little book around with me. Putting it in my handbag of the moment, play with it until I lost interest and eventually it would disappear. Out of sight out of mind right.

Even though I’ve not thought about those little books until writing this post, the love and obsession I have for books remains. In fact, its grown.

Early school years were tricky for me. The things that seem to come naturally to the other children, I struggled with. It took me ages to learn how to read. Our teacher would have us take turns reading out loud a sentence each. I didn’t even understand what a sentence was. I only knew it was my turn when the person next to me stopped reading and everyone looked at me. I felt sick, nervous, and anxious. My whole body shook as well as my voice as I read aloud. I always mixed up the words or couldn’t pronounce them and it was only a matter of time before the kids snickered. I even caught the teachers exasperated expressions.

We didn’t really read at home but I remember my mom reading ‘The Monster at the End of this Book’ to me. I asked her to read it over and over. I loved it. Even though I knew what was coming, I lived each page as if it was the first time I’d heard it. I had her read it so much that I memorized it and could read it to myself. Maybe she thought I was really reading it?

I don’t remember taking books home from school to practice or even reading out loud to my parents at all. I remember trying to read about Jack and Jane and their dog Nip at school. “Run, Jack run”. “No, Nip no”. “Stop, Jane stop”. They were very simple with only a few words on each page. Easy for everyone to read I guess but I didn’t understand them. There was no story on the page. They were boring and uninteresting. I could sound out the simple words but I had a hard time with the vowels. Back then we didn’t learn with phonics and it was just all confusing to me. The words I knew how to pronounce correctly, I memorized. I was too little to understand that I needed to ask for help. I was too young to understand that I was behind the other kids. I was too young to realize how important reading was. I don’t even know if my teachers even talked to my parents. I was a kid left to her own devices.

I grew up knowing I was not smart. I grew up knowing I was different. I had a slow leak and my confidence secretly escaped undetected.  I was quiet and shy, I didn’t know how to make friends. The thoughts I had about myself kept me away from others. Everyone knew I was dumb. It’s as if I walked around with a huge billboard over me that read:

‘This is Kaylynn, she is dumb. Don’t be her friend or else you might catch what she has”.

Did I mention I was crap at sports too? Always the very last to be picked. But I was good at noticing the other kids who felt the same way about themselves and I started friending them and I learned from them. Some were smart but socially awkward. I learned how to fake confidence until one day I just was.

It wasn’t until year nine that I read my first full novel. It took me forever but I did it and I was very proud of myself. It was also then that I learned I struggled with dyslexia. The letters or words kept changing their order. As an adult, I would borrow books from the library but have to return them before I finished because I was such a slow reader. It was embarrassing.

So really books could have been something I ran from but there has always been a special feeling I get when I step into a library or a bookshop or a room with a big bookcase full of books. They call to my heart somehow and I come back to me. My heart settles and I feel right at home. It’s almost like these places knew something I didn’t know about myself. I held onto that feeling until I figured out a way to keep it. I always felt happy when I wrote. I didn’t know I was a writer. I never thought of myself as a writer. It was only two years ago that I started saying it out loud.

So what space makes you happy? Think back about when you were small. Do you remember what made you happy? And how do you recreate it as an adult? What takes your breath away with awe? What do you do just for you? For many years I struggled with what made me happy. I just didn’t know and stopped chasing it.

Create a space that makes you smile. Could it be an area in your house where the sun shines through the window on that comfortable chair that you can relax on? Is it a picture you inherited from your grandma that hangs on your wall? Is it going for a long drive alone with your music and your thoughts? What is it for you? And will you share it with me? I’d love to hear your comments. xoxo Kaylynn

Featured photo by Eugenio Mazzone on Unsplash

The other day I was sitting watching my daughter’s ice skating lessons through the cafe window—as it’s a much warmer place to be.  A few seats down there was a woman wearing a big black puffy jacket. She got up, passed behind me bumping me in the back as her big puffy jacket knocked my glasses case to the floor.  I turned to look at her as she walked away oblivious to what had just occurred. I leaned down to pick up my case and continued to watch my daughter. As she came back to sit down I got another bump in the back. I decided to move seats. Just as I did, a guy walked into the cafe, he stunk so bad I needed to put my sleeve over my nose. I looked around and everyone else smelled it too. It was suffocating.

Just as the lady had no idea she was bumping me, this nicotine saturated guy had no idea how bad he smelled. Both people lacked awareness. Just like that person who is talking loud on their phone on a quiet commuter train, possibly right now?

But what is awareness?

I knew the word, I used it in sentences, but it was not until my late thirties that I really started to understand what awareness was. I became aware of others. Aware of my true feelings. Aware of the consequences of my own actions. Aware of how others responded to me. But mostly I became aware of how I needed to change certain things about myself.

Awareness 

[uh-wair-nis]

noun

1. the state or condition of being aware; having knowledge; consciousness
2. knowledge that something exists, or understanding of a situation or subject at the present time based on information or experience.

“Awareness is like the sun.

When it shines on things, they are transformed.”

                                                                                                          -Thich Nhat Hanh

So if that’s awareness then what is ‘un-awareness’? Disregard, ignorance, neglect, misunderstanding, unfamiliarity, insensitivity, unconsciousness—all words that I would not associate now with myself.

By the time my son was born in 2009, I was stuck almost full time in my head. I was totally consumed by thoughts from the past or worries about the future. My mind would only stay in the present for a short time before my runaway thoughts would steal me again. I was crippled with worry. I worried about everything.  I worried about where my life was going. If I was a good mother. I worried about my position at work. About wrong decisions, I’d made. It was exhausting living in my body.

My precious baby son was a gift. Of course, all babies are but he helped me to become more present and live in the now. Whenever I would drift off, he would demand my attention with a scream, a smile or diaper change and bring me back to the now. When he got a little older he brought me back with his wet kisses, showing me how he could kick the ball or reaching out with his arms saying “uppy”. He brought me back, to him, and I loved him all the more for it. I started becoming aware of just how much I drifted off and how I was always second guessing myself. I started putting my thoughts aside and made an effort to be more present. More involved. I listened to him with my whole self not just an appeasing nod as I half listened.

Stop and think for a minute.

Are you aware of yourself right now? How are you sitting? Who is around you? Are you comfortable? How do you feel? How is your breathing? Do you feel stressed? Are you mindful of the stresses, worry, fear, doubt, uncertainty, suspicion, panic, unease, and other feelings that are constantly trying to take control? Do you not feel good enough?

Are you happy? Excited about something? In love? Do you remember what it felt like to be in love? Do you remember what brought you to your partner, husband or wife? Why are you with them? Do they bring you light?

How is your life? Are you a slave to it or are you in control? Is it just a rat race or do you find the little joys around you? Do you breathe deeply? Do you enjoy the breath? How does it make your body feel?

Is this the life you anticipated? Were your childhood dreams better? Is your life better than your dreams?

Are the leaves changing colors around you? When was the last time you went for a walk just to be alone with your thoughts? What are you thinking? Do you like who you are? Do you like the vibrations you put off to others?  Are you even aware what vibrations you put off to others? Do you go out of your way to make others smile?

Wake up. Make mindfulness a part of your everyday. Make awareness a gift and pass it on to those around you.

Make sure you engage in the moments you are given.

Here’s an app (Smiling Mind) that can get you started with your awareness and mindfulness.